I Had to Write Through Some Anxiety
My anxiety is worse today for some reason, and I have no idea why. I'm logged into my job and it's slow because of the holiday weekend. I'm not feeling bad--in fact, I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. But my anxiety it twisting my stomach making me feel a little nauseous, and I have that electrical current strumming through me and that only happens when I have anxiety.
Surprisingly, I am feeling better than I have in while. I don't have much bloating and fewer twinges in my belly today, though my sick stomach has sent me to the bathroom a few times this morning (not to throw up, but the other thing if you know what I mean). My nausea will go away once the panic fades, but I've noticed I don't feel good in the mornings in general, and I don't know why. Scared to face another day of feeling like crap? Maybe. I work a job where I'm tethered to a computer and time offline counts against me (as is the case with most call center jobs) and part of my anxiety could stem from the fact that I feel trapped at my computer. I have noticed that changes in some of my morning routine help me start the day off in a more calmer frame of mind, but I can't escape working four days a week (I work ten-hour shifts).
It could be I'm scared of what they're going to tell me at my next appointment. I have a follow-up appointment to the one I had in February at the Mayo Clinic and I'm hoping they don't find anything bad during my ultrasound. Honestly, I doubt they will. I'm not in pain, and like I said, I'm feeling better than I have in years. But maybe it's the unknown that has me twisted up in knots and I'll calm down after my appointment and more of my questions are answered.
I don't like feeling like this though, because there's nothing to be scared of or worried about. There are people in my life who are going through much more serious things than I am, and while some are handling their issues well, some are not. I've been begging anyone who would listen to help me feel better physically, but I had no idea that my mental state would take such a beating. I think after my appointment I'm going to end up needing to find a therapist for meds. This anxiety is crazy and it's annoying because I could be enjoying how I feel.
My anxiety doesn't last all day--usually by late afternoon I feel back to my normal self. But it does waste a lot of time if I had wanted to get stuff done, book-wise. Even typing out how I feel has helped me calm down. You would think that on one of my better days I would have more positive mental health, but it seems to be the opposite. I find comfort in the days where my lichen flares up, and I do not want that. I want to be able to move forward mentally as well as physically and eventually put this behind me the best I can.
There's really not much I do if my anxiety decides to bother me. I try to focus on other things like my books or writing a blog post like I am now, or focus on work if I'm working. I try to get outside and that helps as the weather outside is cool and the fresh air clears my head. I remind myself that my health issues are not serious (and I realize that wouldn't work if you do have health issues that are) and that I found a good doctor who knows what's wrong with me and listens to me. I have people who care about me. Even my anxiety attacks aren't that bad. I still can work through them until they go away and I know some people have them so bad they feel like they're having heart attacks and can't do anything until they fade.
Anyway, writing through mine helped a lot, and I'm feeling calmer.
If you have any tips on getting through an anxiety attack, let me know. I'm not against medication, and I can ask my nurse practitioner at my next appointment. More than likely she'll tell me to see a therapist, and there's no doubt talking to someone would help me immensely. I just have to figure out if I can afford it, or what my EAP program through my work covers. If I can only go once a month, maybe that will be enough. I have no idea. But all I know is as much as I am trying to move forward physically, I also have to try mentally. I knew going in that getting better would be a journey, not a destination, and it's just another thing I remind myself of on a daily basis.
I'll update you all on my next post about my appointment and what she found. Until then, enjoy your weekend and thank you for keeping me company. I appreciate it.
It varies from person to person, of course, what helps with anxiety (attacks), and depends on their severity etc. ... but exercise and physical movement always helped me, when it was at its worst.
ReplyDeleteThat's obviously not so much an obvious at a workplace like yours, so you might want to get a prescrip for some mild meds, like xanax - just be careful because they can cause addiction.
For the longer term, I think you have mentioned going into therapy again, which, if possible for you, might lay the groundwork better for you to manage the anxiety. You'd get help identifying the larger issues that might trigger anxiety and techniques to manage it, like Cognitive behavioral training). If you aren't already familiar with this track I can recommend it.
The only caveat is that CBT can feel very exhausting to begin with if there isn't some coffee and kisses for the soul to 'recharge' also. When I had to get rid of my OCD I needed to do this - also train myself to focus on lots of positive things during the day, even if it was just a ray of sunlight. CBT can be effective indeed but you need a certain level of surplus to face and confront anxiety like that.
Lastly, and speaking of coffee, I am a hopeless addict, even though I know it does spark mild anxiety and racing thoughts. So cutting down on such stimulants and trying to get as much good sleep as possible can often go a long way, if you don't have a severe case (and I don't read it as if you have - hopefully that is not too far off the mark).
Feel free to ask any questions here or by mail. Usual salt should be applied when transferring experiences, but I do have a lot of experience, unfortunately, with anxiety and I would feel grateful if some of it could be useful for others.
Best,
Chris
Thanks for your comment! I appreciate all your advice and experiences. Yeah, I have noticed that going outside helps. I think since my appointment went okay and that she didn't find anything wrong with me, it will be a good start in feeling better, mentally, at least. I'm never going to feel normal physically, and I'll need to find balance between feeling bad and not feeling good, if you know what I mean. There's a loss there, and not to sound melodramatic, but I'll have to reconcile that. Maybe that's premature, since I was sick for a long time and I'm barely on the path to recovery, but it's something to keep in mind. All I can do is what I'm doing, but a lot of people don't live at 100% and I might just be one of those people.
DeleteI stopped drinking a lot of caffeine a while ago, and I think the only thing that has gotten me through this far is being able to get a good night's sleep. Honestly, I just feel like I need time, and living one day at a time like I have been.
I'll email you next week after my colonoscopy! Thanks for reading my blog. Your support means a lot.
PS "An obvious" = an option!
ReplyDeleteI will close my eyes to all other typos and trust you figure it out! :)