Chaos, Coffee, and Confessions: Finding my way back to mental health

I had my last appointment at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN on August 23rd, 2024. The appointment consisted of an MRI and a visit with my nurse practitioner to go over the results. The MRI results weren't surprising. I have evidence of endometriosis, though the MRI couldn't tell us how much. I also have some scarring from my hysterectomy I had back in 2022. The cyst on my right ovary shrank and she was happy about that, because though she never outright told me, she was worried I had ovarian cancer. So.... because of the positive results of the colonoscopy I had in June and the MRI that didn't find anything serious, she said there wasn't anything else she could do and released me from care. I still have to touch base with her for refills on my creams (my lichen sclerosis will never go away) and my ovary pills, but I don't have another appointment scheduled.  At first I was happy because I was tired of driving to Rochester every three months and the hotel and food ...

Probably one of the biggest things I miss is feeling good enough to just go do something. When I felt good, I was up for anything. Before I started writing, I was a runner, and I was running 5-10 miles four or five times a week. I was at the height of my health. I was eating well, had energy, slept well. I could get a million things done and still be up for doing something else. Case in point, this popped up on my Facebook timeline the other day, and I added my response to it. One of my biggest mistakes was stopping running when I started writing. Even though my job is flexible and if it's not busy (a rarity these days) I'm allowed to read or do something else, I stopped running completely and began writing every free second I had. I should never have done that, finding that elusive balance to keep both in my life instead. But I jumped into writing head first, and like a diver who mistakenly dives into a kiddie pool, I slammed my head on the floor of the pool. My health never q...

If there's one thing I've learned over the past four and a half years, it's that no one will guard your mental health more than you. You know your own mind, you know your triggers. You know what you can tolerate and you know what will set you off. You know you can't get into a car with out feeling claustrophobic, you know that a doctor's appointment causes anxiety to the point you're crying in the waiting room. You know that if someone doesn't care how you feel, it can hurt more than the health issue you're dealing with.  I also know that protecting your mental health is hard. You're already going through a lot and you have to go through even more to keep what little positive mental health you have left.  Sometimes you have to be the garbageman. And yeah, sometimes their job sucks shit. Before the appointment at the Mayo Clinic in February of this year (2024) that changed my life, I had been friends with a co-worker for years. We met at work, got to ...

Not much has changed since I wrote last. Still shaky in the mornings, bloated, feeling it under my belly button and in my pelvis. I've been trying to treat the hemorrhoids they found during my colonoscopy, and I think when I had the procedure done, they scratched me up a little bit in there. My doctor at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester said to use A & D ointment, so I've been doing that. I think it's helped a little bit, but it kind of burns too, and though my lichen is doing okay, I still feel swollen at times. I really think if I can get my hemorrhoids under control, I can handle the rest better. I know why they bother me--this bloating makes me feel heavy around my clitoris, vagina, and my butt, and between the heaviness and the hemorrhoids, I have a sensation of having to have a bowel movement that comes and goes. It's not terrible, but in the mornings I usually have to go to the bathroom once or twice. I'm pretty regular now, and I'm "done" going...

Today should be a good day. I'm not feeling too bad, the sun is shining, and it will be a slow day at work. But of course, that's not how mental health works, and I'm down, maybe not anxiety levels, but I just feel out of place today and it will be tough to explain why, mostly because there's no reason for me to feel like this.  I guess I could call it loneliness, but that doesn't make much sense because I like being alone. Maybe I'm feeling despondent because I'm still struggling with my physical issues, though I am making progress there. I know what's going on at least, which is more than what I had at the beginning of the year. It's difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I'll never feel normal again, always feeling the side effects of my hysterectomy, and the lichen sclerosis will never go away. I'm also not far from menopause, and with the stories I've heard about perimenopause, that could be effecting me too (I'll be 50 t...

I had a followup appointment at the Mayo Clinic May 28th, and I came away with some good news. The ultrasound and her physical exam didn't find any damage from my hysterectomy in 2022. Because of the funny feeling I have in my belly, specifically under my belly button, I thought for sure something had gone wrong. but all my organs are where they are supposed to be. I could have some nerve damage at the incision site, but I need to message her and ask her for more information. I kind of spaced out when she explained because I was so relieved her exam and ultrasound didn't find anything serious. Still, I'd like to be sure that what I'm feeling maybe isn't exactly harmless, but at least there's an explanation. She was concerned about the bloating and puffiness so she recommended I have a colonoscopy to rule out any GI issues. My feelings about having a colonoscopy done were complicated because I was afraid of what they would find. I suppose most preventative tests ...

I had my followup appointment at the Mayo Clinic on Tuesday, and I came away with some good news. The cream is working on my lichen sclerosis and she said my skin is looking a lot better. I can feel that it is--most of the burning is gone and I only have some swelling and bruising most days. There is tightness around my anus that has yet to fade completely, but I figure in time that too will, not go away, but lessen to the point I don't feel it much anymore.  The ultrasound showed I had a cyst on my ovary, which could be causing some of the bloating and discomfort that has been the main source of my anxiety, but my ovary pills ran out three weeks ago and she seemed surprised I was no longer on them. Maybe the "no refills" was an oversight on her part, but that's okay. She's putting me on something new that she said will work even better. I have to pay for them, but considering that so far this whole health odyssey has been "free" at least money-wise, I t...

My anxiety is worse today for some reason, and I have no idea why. I'm logged into my job and it's slow because of the holiday weekend. I'm not feeling bad--in fact, I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. But my anxiety it twisting my stomach making me feel a little nauseous, and I have that electrical current strumming through me and that only happens when I have anxiety.  Surprisingly, I am feeling better than I have in while. I don't have much bloating and fewer twinges in my belly today, though my sick stomach has sent me to the bathroom a few times this morning (not to throw up, but the other thing if you know what I mean). My nausea will go away once the panic fades, but I've noticed I don't feel good in the mornings in general, and I don't know why. Scared to face another day of feeling like crap? Maybe. I work a job where I'm tethered to a computer and time offline counts against me (as is the case with most call center jobs) and par...

Someone said something that brought me down the other day. That's easy to do, don't get me wrong. While I might be feeling better in some ways, my appointment in February wasn't the golden ticket I hoped it would be and needless to say, I'm still mentally fragile. So when someone close to me said I wasn't doing good enough, it hit hard. I'm doing my best, and for the four years I've felt like shit, I've been doing my best. Sometimes my best was just getting out of bed and taking a shower. Sometimes my best was getting a solid day's writing in. Some days my best was just going to the store, making sure my kids had food, and dropping into bed for the rest of the day.  People like to judge you, and since I've been sick, I haven't been a stranger to it. The incredulous part is, the people who judge you have no right. I mean, no one does, but if you really look at people who do the judging, they don't have perfect lives either. They take their...

The past few days have been rather rocky for me, in terms of how I feel physically and mentally. As I'm writing this, I think I'm back on a more even keel, and I hope things can continue that way for a bit. I never know when I'm going to feel off in my head, and I wasted a lot of Sunday fixating on how I felt and if it means more than what my doctor said it does. Tuesday I was really bloated and had twinges under my bellybutton, my anxiety was out of control, and for the first time in a long time, my sister and I didn't have our weekly date.  I realize I need to tell you what's going on with me or this blog isn't going to make any sense. I wanted to kind of ease you into all that happened to me, but after two posts, if I don't tell you, you won't know, and dropping breadcrumbs only gets you so far. This isn't a mystery novel.  In my first post, I alluded to my troubles starting way back, as early as 2016, but I think what I was going through with my ...

We bandied that phrase around a lot when COVID was going on, yet wearing masks and isolating did wane, even if they shouldn't have.  Getting used to a "new normal" isn't easy, even if that "new normal" was something you were living before.  It might sound odd, but this is where I'm at now. Nothing feels really wrong, but nothing feels right, either. Let me explain what I mean. In the past few years I've had a lot going on. I got a divorce, which was amicable and wanted on both sides. We share a couple of kids, and we're friends--he still has a key to my apartment for emergencies and he comes over on holidays. But even though it was smooth, going through a divorce is a stressful, life-changing event, and maybe one I still haven't gotten over because of all the other shit I've been dealing with since then.  During my divorce I met someone on Twitter--he was a writer too, reaching out as a lot of people are, trying to find a connection, a pe...

Needless to say, it's been a whirlwind of a four years for everyone. I think people forget that we survived a pandemic, and along with that, we've forgotten that many of us are still suffering, still trying to find our way back to where we were in 2019.  My troubles started before 2019, 2016, to be exact, but let's not count the years I've had my mind in a blender. How long I've been messed up probably plays a big part in why I'm having trouble now, and that's the point of this blog. I need a place to sort through my feelings, how  I'm feeling, and how I can get to feeling normal again, if that's even possible.  After eight years, people in my real life are tired of hearing about this, and I don't blame them. I'm tired too. But I'm living it and don't have a choice whether to block it out or not. So here I am, fumbling my way through each day, wondering if I'll ever feel like myself again. Chances are good that's a big fat no,...