Nothing good in a good situation

I had my last appointment at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN on August 23rd, 2024. The appointment consisted of an MRI and a visit with my nurse practitioner to go over the results. The MRI results weren't surprising. I have evidence of endometriosis, though the MRI couldn't tell us how much. I also have some scarring from my hysterectomy I had back in 2022. The cyst on my right ovary shrank and she was happy about that, because though she never outright told me, she was worried I had ovarian cancer. So.... because of the positive results of the colonoscopy I had in June and the MRI that didn't find anything serious, she said there wasn't anything else she could do and released me from care. I still have to touch base with her for refills on my creams (my lichen sclerosis will never go away) and my ovary pills, but I don't have another appointment scheduled. 

At first I was happy because I was tired of driving to Rochester every three months and the hotel and food costs were starting to add up, but I was disappointed and a little scared because I still feel like crap. I still have a hardness under my belly button she attributed to nerve damage, and I can feel a weird sensation from my belly button that goes down into my pelvis, around my vagina and my rectum. Because the MRI can't see how much endo I have or really where it is, that sensation may be attributed to nerve damage, scarring, endometriosis, or likely, a combination of all three. The only way to know completely for sure would be to have exploratory surgery. I told her I wasn't interested in that after the time I've had and she agreed at this point it wasn't necessary. And obviously, if I have nerve damage from my hysterectomy, it's not like I'm that eager to be cut open again. 

You might be asking why I didn't feel any of this prior to my appointment in February, and the fact is, I wasn't feeling anything but anxiety, exhaustion, bloat, and the symptoms of what she would diagnose as my lichen sclerosis. When she put me on that first kind of ovary pill (basically birth control but I call them ovary pills because I'm not using them for birth control) it stripped away the fatigue and overall sludge I'd been living with. She said sometimes ovaries freak out after a hysterectomy and that must have been what mine had done because just after a week of being on them, I could think more clearly and I had energy. But because that sludge had been stripped away, I was feeling things in my body I hadn't felt before--namely the sensation under my belly button and the deep weird feeling that goes into my pelvis and butt. 

Not drinking anymore stripped away another layer of "gauze" so to speak, and now I feel everything very acutely. 

Which leads to massive amounts of bitterness because what I had gone to Mayo for has been resolved. My lichen is under control. And what it comes down to is my hysterectomy hurt me in ways I didn't expect and the bitterness comes from realizing that if my gyno couldn't diagnose a simple skin condition, I had no business letting her cut me open. I thought not having a period anymore would help, but I didn't know what was wrong with me and I made my decision under desperation and duress. A lot of people do, I think, because all they want is to feel better, but I would have put up with the painful periods my fibroids and endo caused if I had known this would have been the end result. 

So that's where I am. Angry and just trying to live my life because I have the answers I needed and nothing that can be done with the rest. 

My leftover endo causes some other problems like occasional nausea and trips to the bathroom, and despite my ovary pills and what they did for me initially, I tire easily. I have good days when I feel like nothing is wrong with me, and not so good days when I feel so bloated I feel 9 nine months pregnant. (I have two kids, so I know exactly how that feels.) 

I started this blog on the basis of talking through getting my mental health back after such a harrowing few years, but unbeknownst to me, cutting out alcohol did that for me. I haven't had a panic attack since June. I'm very clear-headed and I'm able to think about my situation objectively. So I'm not sure what's going to happen to this blog. I still get nervous sometimes because I don't want to live the rest of my life this way and I'm going to be in for a long 25 years or so. I'll be 50 in November and would prefer not to live longer than 75, especially feeling like this. I used to talk about writing a mini-memoir about the last five-ish years of my life, but now I'm not sure. It feels triggering to go back, especially remembering how my midwife and gyno treated me. I wouldn't be in this mess, I don't think, if my gyno had been an intelligent woman who had known what she was doing. But I have to share the blame because when she told me she couldn't help me and didn't show any interest in figuring it out or referring me to a specialist, I should have stopped seeing her altogether. I eventually did, but it was too late. I should have gone to Mayo three years ago. I may need time to gather the strength to revisit that time in my life as intricately and as intimately as I'll need to to write about it. 

I won't take this blog down, I think anyone who stumbles upon it could be helped by my experiences, but I don't know when I'll post next. I'm still struggling to find a place, find a balance between feeling like crap and feeling okay, knowing and dealing with fact that I'll never feel normal, but things could be worse. A lot of my feelings now are dealing with the loss of my health, knowing that certain people are to blame as well as myself. Getting on with my life may be easier said than done, but it's still early days and maybe since I found some mental wellbeing since I stopped drinking, the rest will follow. It's not like me to wallow, especially since, if you discount my health experiences thus far, I'm living a good life and I'm happy. It's a big deal to be able to say that after all I've been through and I'd like to enjoy what little I can while I can. 

I hope you can find some resolution if you're experiencing mental or physical health problems. I know what it feels like to think you have no other choices, but a different door eventually opens. My door was finally going to the Mayo Clinic. It changed my life, and I hope you can find that too.