A New Normal

We bandied that phrase around a lot when COVID was going on, yet wearing masks and isolating did wane, even if they shouldn't have. 

Getting used to a "new normal" isn't easy, even if that "new normal" was something you were living before. 

It might sound odd, but this is where I'm at now. Nothing feels really wrong, but nothing feels right, either. Let me explain what I mean.

In the past few years I've had a lot going on. I got a divorce, which was amicable and wanted on both sides. We share a couple of kids, and we're friends--he still has a key to my apartment for emergencies and he comes over on holidays. But even though it was smooth, going through a divorce is a stressful, life-changing event, and maybe one I still haven't gotten over because of all the other shit I've been dealing with since then. 

During my divorce I met someone on Twitter--he was a writer too, reaching out as a lot of people are, trying to find a connection, a person who has common interests. We started talking a lot and well, meeting someone online doesn't seem so strange anymore, but neither is getting screwed over. Our relationship lasted five years--we met a couple of times and he asked me to marry him--and we've been broken up for two. I'll talk a lot more about him later on this blog because he's the cause of some of my mental health issues (as emotional abuse usually is), but for right now mentioning meeting him and the hole he left in my life after our relationship crumbled will suffice. 

Our relationship was fraught with lies and promises broken and while all that was going on, I bought a box of dryer sheets that would turn my life upside down. That, too, I'll talk about in-depth, but it caused a lot of health issues that played (and still is) havoc on my mental health. None of my doctors could tell me what was going on, and out of desperation, I got a hysterectomy that turned out to be needed, but not the answer to my prayers. Finally, I went to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN, looking for some real help, and miracle of miracles, she knew what was wrong. Though what I have I'll have for the rest of my life, I'm on a treatment plan and medication that has made me feel better. 

On top of all this, a good friend I met at work started ghosting me, and while I'm feeling better and can put her behavior into perspective, it's still something I'm "dealing with" because no matter how well you can explain something away, people who disappear, be it a husband, a fiancé, or a friend, they leave a hole in your life that eventually you'll fill with something else (hopefully). It's just the way it is. 

The first part of this year wasn't the best either, as my car was involved in a hit and run and I had to go through the hassle and expense of getting it repaired. When things are already going wrong, every little thing just adds up and right before my appointment in February I wasn't in a good place. 

So fast forward to now, May 5th. My car is repaired, the medication I'm on is working and I don't feel like garbage all the time, I'm getting used to my ex-friend's defection, and compared to looking back over the past few years, things are going okay. 

That's where I'm having a problem, and you might not think it's really a problem but getting used to a new normal even if it's one that I've lived before, is hard. I'm always thinking about how I'm feeling, though my health has improved. I feel unsteady, maybe not waiting for the next thing to go wrong because that's never been my way, but it's like being on a boat and getting used to the rocking then suddenly standing on land. The ground still doesn't feel steady, and that's where I'm at. Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right, and I don't think anything but time will get me back to feeling how I used to feel--inside my head, anyway. 

I know this a problem people who lead stressful lives would love to have, and I hope I'm not sounding like I'm complaining. I would love to have my mental health back, I would love to be able to go through a day not double and triple checking how my body feels. Taking your health, be it physical or mental, for granted is a privilege, one I may never have again. 

I gained a lot of weight during COVID and coping with my health issues, and losing some of it and getting some of my physical strength back so I'm not winded simply walking up a flight of stairs would probably help a lot. It sounds stupid, but I used to be pretty, and I don't feel pretty anymore. I feel old and haggard, and it shows on my face. The past few years have knocked me down, and I feel like a UFC fighter, lying in the ring trying to get up, bruised and bloody. Getting back to where I used to be is going to take work, and up until just even a few weeks ago, I wasn't up to the task. I may not be fully, now, either, but because of what I have, I may never, so that will never be an excuse. 

And it's all weird to feel this way, because the ovary medication my nurse practitioner put me on at the clinic has lifted the fog in my head, and I have never felt more like me. Like, having nothing to worry about, enjoying simple activities. So, not feeling good, in my head, while I'm feeling good, in my head, is confusing, to say the least, and I feel like a dog chasing his tail most days. Do I feel good, or don't I? And how? 

I'm not dealing with anything right now except still getting used to my ex-friend ghosting me, but she's been gone three months, and it's getting easier not to think about her anymore. I even bought a new lounger for my balcony because lying in the sun during the summer is something I used to enjoy and last year I just felt too shitty to bother. 

I'm looking forward to things in a way that I haven't in a long time, and it's disconcerting. Not because I think something will happen that will ruin it, but just in the years I've been dealing with all this crap and especially not feeling well, there hasn't been that much to look forward to.  

Even drinking a glass of wine and enjoying it just because I'm drinking it and not gulping it down to forget how I feel for a little bit is different, and I would imagine things like that will feel different for a long time. 

Anyway, I'm just kind of rambling now, and I chose today to blog mostly because I am having a "normal" day, but after seven years of putting up with bullshit, normal doesn't feel normal. It feels anything but normal, and it's hard to trust it. 

Like I said, it will take time, but how much time erases that much trauma? 

I guess I'll find out.