It Can be Sunny and Still be Raining

I had my followup appointment at the Mayo Clinic on Tuesday, and I came away with some good news. The cream is working on my lichen sclerosis and she said my skin is looking a lot better. I can feel that it is--most of the burning is gone and I only have some swelling and bruising most days. There is tightness around my anus that has yet to fade completely, but I figure in time that too will, not go away, but lessen to the point I don't feel it much anymore. 

The ultrasound showed I had a cyst on my ovary, which could be causing some of the bloating and discomfort that has been the main source of my anxiety, but my ovary pills ran out three weeks ago and she seemed surprised I was no longer on them. Maybe the "no refills" was an oversight on her part, but that's okay. She's putting me on something new that she said will work even better. I have to pay for them, but considering that so far this whole health odyssey has been "free" at least money-wise, I thought if she wanted me to be on this medication that I would suck it up and pay for it. The other option was to go back on what I was on before, but I did have some mild side effects that would be nice to avoid if possible. The cyst isn't dangerous and was present because I was ovulating. I'm prone to those during ovulation, and she ordered a pelvic MRI in August to look again and check for any endometriosis my gynecologist could have missed during my hysterectomy. 

The biggest takeaway I had was that the ultrasound and her hands-on exam didn't indicate there was anything wrong inside my body, and that had been a big worry for me. I thought somehow my hysterectomy didn't go very well, or I hadn't rested enough during the recuperation part of it, and I was messed up somehow. But, thankfully, all my insides are where they are supposed to be. 

We talked for an hour, and she threw a lot of information at me. I asked her what could be causing the weird sensations in my abdomen, and she was saying something about the incision in my belly button. I don't remember what she said--I imagine I was just so relieved that I was okay inside--but I wish I could recall now. It wasn't serious or I would have remembered. If all that is causing my twinging and my "not feeling right" is my incision, I'll be fine with that. I had carpal tunnel surgery a few years ago, and my skin around my elbow still doesn't feel right, so I understand that being sliced open can have side effects that will never go away. 

What I'm hoping for is that the good news I received at my appointment will help my anxiety dissipate. The only issue now is that my doctor wants me to have a colonoscopy and that will be a source of worry until I can get that done. I'm worried about the prep and like all preventative tests, I'm worried that they'll find something. I'm young-ish and healthy, so I'm really hoping the test goes smoothly and I'll hear more good news. I knew at my age this was coming, but it will be a relief to get it over with. 

In regard to my anxiety, after my colonoscopy and knowing there's nothing wrong inside my body, I'm hoping that it will fade away. I know that some of my anxiety is just in reaction to the trauma that has built up over the years and getting "back to normal" will probably take a lot more effort than it sounds like it will. Knowing nothing is wrong with me will be a good start and then I can focus on what happened. "What happened" being my divorce, how my fiancé treated me, and going through my health problems. The divorce was needed on both sides, so maybe that isn't so much an issue, but I still need to process the way my fiancé treated me and the fact I let him do it for so long. Maybe I didn't recognize it, or maybe it got worse when I bought those dryer sheets and I was too busy trying to figure out what was wrong with me to identify and acknowledge his actions, but whatever the cause, I let it go on way too long and our five year relationship lasted four years too many. We were never really happy (he went through a lot of his own trauma before we met) but maybe if I can focus on the positive things in our relationship, that would help me put it aside. Our relationship wasn't totally bad and I'd like to think that in some ways we supported and helped each other, but after his abusive marriage, he wasn't ready to be in a healthy relationship, and after I bought those dryer sheets, I didn't have the energy anymore to prop him up. 

At any rate, I do have a lot to process and I can't really start that until my colonoscopy is over. I'm not afraid of what they'll find during my pelvic MRI. It's to look for leftover endometriosis, but as I've said, I'm not in any pain, so if there is some, she said they wouldn't remove it surgically anyway. No, I just have to get through this colonoscopy that's next week (luckily I was able to get in quickly), hear good news, and maybe I can put this whole mess behind me and try to relax this summer.

I guess that is all for now. As far as my anxiety goes, I've had a smooth morning, even though I'm logged into work. Sometimes working will trigger my anxiety, or the routine of having to get up and get ready for work. I've noticed that my anxiety is more mild when I can mix up my morning activities like going for a walk, or talking to a friend, or doing chores, or jumping into editing. It only lasts until about noon, but it would be nice not to have to experience it at all.

I will let you know how my procedure goes. Things like that can be scary for a lot of people, and I hope to reassure you. Everyone's experience will be different, but I hope if I have an easy time of it, it can waylay some fears. I think preventative measures are important, but I also think that preventative care goes beyond going to the doctor, and that's what I hope to focus on this summer. Eating better, moving my body, losing weight. I've lost sight of a lot of things while I've been dealing with my undiagnosed lichen sclerosis, and finding me again will require different paths and avenues. 

I'm looking forward to it, even if it has felt like I've been walking through the rain. At least I can look for rainbows.