Chaos, Coffee, and Confessions: Finding my way back to mental health

Not much has changed since I wrote last. Still shaky in the mornings, bloated, feeling it under my belly button and in my pelvis. I've been trying to treat the hemorrhoids they found during my colonoscopy, and I think when I had the procedure done, they scratched me up a little bit in there. My doctor at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester said to use A & D ointment, so I've been doing that. I think it's helped a little bit, but it kind of burns too, and though my lichen is doing okay, I still feel swollen at times. I really think if I can get my hemorrhoids under control, I can handle the rest better. I know why they bother me--this bloating makes me feel heavy around my clitoris, vagina, and my butt, and between the heaviness and the hemorrhoids, I have a sensation of having to have a bowel movement that comes and goes. It's not terrible, but in the mornings I usually have to go to the bathroom once or twice. I'm pretty regular now, and I'm "done" going...

Today should be a good day. I'm not feeling too bad, the sun is shining, and it will be a slow day at work. But of course, that's not how mental health works, and I'm down, maybe not anxiety levels, but I just feel out of place today and it will be tough to explain why, mostly because there's no reason for me to feel like this.  I guess I could call it loneliness, but that doesn't make much sense because I like being alone. Maybe I'm feeling despondent because I'm still struggling with my physical issues, though I am making progress there. I know what's going on at least, which is more than what I had at the beginning of the year. It's difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I'll never feel normal again, always feeling the side effects of my hysterectomy, and the lichen sclerosis will never go away. I'm also not far from menopause, and with the stories I've heard about perimenopause, that could be effecting me too (I'll be 50 t...

I had a followup appointment at the Mayo Clinic May 28th, and I came away with some good news. The ultrasound and her physical exam didn't find any damage from my hysterectomy in 2022. Because of the funny feeling I have in my belly, specifically under my belly button, I thought for sure something had gone wrong. but all my organs are where they are supposed to be. I could have some nerve damage at the incision site, but I need to message her and ask her for more information. I kind of spaced out when she explained because I was so relieved her exam and ultrasound didn't find anything serious. Still, I'd like to be sure that what I'm feeling maybe isn't exactly harmless, but at least there's an explanation. She was concerned about the bloating and puffiness so she recommended I have a colonoscopy to rule out any GI issues. My feelings about having a colonoscopy done were complicated because I was afraid of what they would find. I suppose most preventative tests ...