An Unsteady Balance

Not much has changed since I wrote last. Still shaky in the mornings, bloated, feeling it under my belly button and in my pelvis.

I've been trying to treat the hemorrhoids they found during my colonoscopy, and I think when I had the procedure done, they scratched me up a little bit in there. My doctor at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester said to use A & D ointment, so I've been doing that. I think it's helped a little bit, but it kind of burns too, and though my lichen is doing okay, I still feel swollen at times. I really think if I can get my hemorrhoids under control, I can handle the rest better.

I know why they bother me--this bloating makes me feel heavy around my clitoris, vagina, and my butt, and between the heaviness and the hemorrhoids, I have a sensation of having to have a bowel movement that comes and goes. It's not terrible, but in the mornings I usually have to go to the bathroom once or twice. I'm pretty regular now, and I'm "done" going to the bathroom between 7am and 10am every morning. But even though I'm regular and know I'll be going to the bathroom around that time, it's inconvenient too. I can't make morning plans, not only because I think I'll need access to a bathroom, but because my anxiety ramps up even if I don't have to go, and I have a fear I will. Everyone has to go to the bathroom, and what I'm dealing with isn't that odd. I don't have a condition like IBS--maybe just the anxiety and the new birth control I'm taking. I stopped drinking so much alcohol (lowered that to once a week) and cut my caffeine intake in half to hopefully control it better. But I've always kind of had odd bathroom habits anyway (when my body decides it needs to clean out, it cleans out no matter what I'm doing), so maybe I'm just aggravated by the hemorrhoids I didn't know I had. I'm trying to figure out how they'll have the chance to heal if I'm going to the bathroom every morning, but they must somehow. They are feeling better since my doctor told me to start using A & D ointment, so I guess some progress has been made. 

I'm not sure how I even got them. Because of the stress, booze, caffeine, whatever, I've never had to strain to go (in fact, kind of the opposite), but I looked up the correlation between lichen sclerosis and hemorrhoids, and it seems women do tend to have both at the same time. Constipation is a lichen symptom, but another reason could be because lichen makes you feel swollen down there giving you the feeling you have to go, and when you feel like that, you'll do what you think you need to do to relieve the pressure. 

So that's kind of where I'm at right now. Trying to make my butt feel better and not freak out in the mornings. Even if I do have a shaky morning, all that seems to even out around noon, which I'm grateful for. I haven't seen any rewards for not drinking so much, but I've only been off booze for a week, so I'll probably need longer for that. I've been on my new birth control (Slynd) for ten days, so I know that's not long enough to measure any pros or cons of being on it. I'm only on it to keep my ovarian cysts away that I tend to develop when I ovulate. So far these seem to be mild and I can't tell I'm on them. 

I'd like to know why I feel bloated and weird under my belly button and down into my pelvis, and the more I think about why, the more I lean toward the idea that I really do have endometriosis that wasn't found and removed when I had my hysterectomy in 2022. Having an MRI in August may shed some light on that, but from what I've been told, an MRI won't give us 100% accurate results. But even if it detects some we can probably blame how I feel on it. "Endo belly" seems to be as common as the lichen--just another wonderful thing people with reproductive parts have to put up with. My doctor already said if the MRI finds it, they won't do anything until I'm in pain. I'm not rushing to have another surgery done anyway. I need a break from all these doctor appointments. 

What does all this mean for now? I could probably handle the hemorrhoids and the bloating a lot better if I found a therapist. My doctor referred me to a psych appointment in Rochester, but I said I would find someone local. Even if I can have virtual appointments, it would just be nice to see someone close to home--especially since my daughter has been struggling and said she would probably go too. It just kind of sucks because I'm at the point where I'm tired and just want to rest, but in order to actually take some of this weight off, talking to someone and getting a prescription for anti-anxiety meds would probably be the best way. But I'm only two weeks from having my colonoscopy done, and though I have some rough mornings, I am enjoying the summer and knowing that I don't have colon cancer (an inexplicable fear I had probably due to the bloating and hemorrhoids and knowing someone who was diagnosed with it during a routine procedure). 

I guess I'm just mourning the loss of feeling normal. As of right now, what I went to the Mayo Clinic for in the first place has been resolved. That visit revealed the bloating in my belly, and during my May appointment, to slowly rule out causes, she recommended a colonoscopy that uncovered my hemorrhoids.  While I'm thankful for answers, I feel like I'm taking two steps forward and one step back, rather than just two plain old steps forward. I didn't realize I would be in for such a rollercoaster ride, or possibly ending up with something I'll never get rid of--because I know even if I have surgery to clean out my endo if I have it, it's virtually impossible to get it all and I would end up going back to have another surgery done. So maybe I'm coming to terms with the idea I'm getting old. What I'm going through now isn't anyone's fault. Endometriosis affects thousands of women every year, so does lichen sclerosis, and I was just unlucky enough to be hit with both. I'd like to blame my shitty gynecologist who couldn't diagnose my lichen or I could blame her for not getting all the endo out of me either (she just said she did and I wouldn't be surprised if it was just another lie) but not everyone has brains and not everyone has the skills they need to work the job they have. It's unfortunate and can affect us seriously, as with health care, or it could be annoying, like the waiter who has no short-term memory and forgets what you ordered the second he steps away from your table. 

Anyway, I suppose I'm rambling now. 

Keep balancing on that teeter-totter, my friends, and don't fall off. It can be a long way down if you're on top.