Misplaced but not misguided

Today should be a good day. I'm not feeling too bad, the sun is shining, and it will be a slow day at work. But of course, that's not how mental health works, and I'm down, maybe not anxiety levels, but I just feel out of place today and it will be tough to explain why, mostly because there's no reason for me to feel like this. 

I guess I could call it loneliness, but that doesn't make much sense because I like being alone. Maybe I'm feeling despondent because I'm still struggling with my physical issues, though I am making progress there. I know what's going on at least, which is more than what I had at the beginning of the year. It's difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I'll never feel normal again, always feeling the side effects of my hysterectomy, and the lichen sclerosis will never go away. I'm also not far from menopause, and with the stories I've heard about perimenopause, that could be effecting me too (I'll be 50 this year). I have another ovary medication that I'm waiting to start because I didn't want to take it before my colonoscopy and I didn't want to start something new while I was recovering. That could alter my mood a bit--I was more cheerful on the other medication she had me on when I first went to see her--and maybe it will lessen some of the bloating I'm still feeling. 

Mornings are always kind of tough for me anyway, and I don't know why. Maybe before when I was feeling really gross and I didn't think I'd ever find any help for it, facing the day would seem just like a drag, another day where I would feel like crap and there wouldn't be anything I could do about it. If that's the case, then the only thing that will solve that is time, but I don't know if that would help the "out of place" feelings I have. 

Could be I'm having my midlife crisis ten years too late (as I said I'll be 50 this year, and there's no way I'm living to be 100, and wouldn't even if given the choice). I have a lot of regrets like we all do--I didn't manage my romantic life all that well and now I've lost my chance to find a man who would love me the way I want to be loved (the only happily ever afters I'll have now are in the books I write). Surprisingly, I don't regret anything I've done, or haven't done, professionally. I had kids because I wanted them, and I took a job that allowed me to be with them during the day instead of putting them in daycare at six weeks old. I stayed because the job gave me flexibility, working around preschool and school hours, and though I can't claim to have changed the world working 9-5, at least I can say that I made a difference, typing as a TTY relay operator for the deaf and hard of hearing. Though the pay isn't great, I've been happy, happy enough to stay for twenty-three years. Going to school and getting my HR degree just reinforced the fact that I would wither under a corporate job anyway, and writing books, even if I'm not making a living at it, feeds my soul. Being a creative is tough in its own way, we're delicate creatures, prone to melancholy, and it might sound pretentious, but we just don't work the way others do. I knew I wanted to do this from a young age, getting a degree in English with a concentration in creative writing, but I didn't find writing until 2015 when I tried to find an HR job after I graduated with my degree and was relieved when no one hired me. Of course, that was the beginning of the end of my marriage--I turned into someone my husband didn't know. Little did he realize, the writer in me was my true self, and the woman he married had only been a stand-in. Nobody's fault, really, maybe mine because once I jumped into the writing life I never came out. It's a different way of living, wrapped up in your characters' lives to the point you're barely living your own. I suppose you could say that's a mental health issue too, but people who have passions can sometimes do that. Let it take over until you're so burnt out that you can barely continue, but you have to because it's what's keeping you alive. 

Anyway, so writing through my morning is helpful, and around 11 AM or so I'll feel back to myself. I'm glad I got my colonoscopy, even if it was, well, let's say, an inconvenience. The errant thoughts I have colon cancer are gone, which, as you can imagine, is a big help, mentally. I didn't like that my brain had latched on to that, and the only way I could have proven to myself I didn't have it was to go through with the procedure. Now I have to remind myself that there's nothing coherently "wrong" with me, even if I feel like there is. Bloating when you're old is normal, my ovaries out of whack because of my age, my lichen will always be present, even if I'm having a good day. I'd like to lose some weight, but I can only comfortably walk three days a week (I work four ten-hour shifts), and I'm just getting into the habit of doing that. I wanted to finish work on my series, and for the past two weeks, I've had appointments that took up my days off. I need to be careful though, because it's already the 9th of June and before I know it, the summer will be over. I don't know what the rest of the year has in store for me--I have another followup appointment at the end of August, and I'll be able to tell her how I feel on this new ovary medication (essentially it's birth control and I hope not ovulating will help me feel better overall), and I have an MRI just to make sure the gynecologist who did my hysterectomy removed all the endometriosis she said she found. I don't like her and don't trust her after the way she treated me, but she said she got it all, and for some reason, gut instinct, I guess, I believe her. So the appointment in August isn't inducing any anxiety (just more travel expenses), not like my ultrasound in May when I was thinking she would tell me my insides were messed up. All in all, I'm actually doing pretty well, health-wise. I think it will just be the moving on part of it I'm going to have trouble with. The in-between. You know, not feeling 100% but not feeling bad. Menopause, hormones, surgery side effects, they keep me on the cusp of feeling normal, and that does not so great things to my head. But a lot of people suffer from a chronic illness, people who are in pain all day or their symptoms are more severe than mine. It helps to know I'm not alone, that we can all feel misplaced from time to time. 

I suppose that's all from me today. I hope you all have a good week!