Chaos, Coffee, and Confessions: Finding my way back to mental health

Probably one of the biggest things I miss is feeling good enough to just go do something. When I felt good, I was up for anything. Before I started writing, I was a runner, and I was running 5-10 miles four or five times a week. I was at the height of my health. I was eating well, had energy, slept well. I could get a million things done and still be up for doing something else. Case in point, this popped up on my Facebook timeline the other day, and I added my response to it. One of my biggest mistakes was stopping running when I started writing. Even though my job is flexible and if it's not busy (a rarity these days) I'm allowed to read or do something else, I stopped running completely and began writing every free second I had. I should never have done that, finding that elusive balance to keep both in my life instead. But I jumped into writing head first, and like a diver who mistakenly dives into a kiddie pool, I slammed my head on the floor of the pool. My health never q...

If there's one thing I've learned over the past four and a half years, it's that no one will guard your mental health more than you. You know your own mind, you know your triggers. You know what you can tolerate and you know what will set you off. You know you can't get into a car with out feeling claustrophobic, you know that a doctor's appointment causes anxiety to the point you're crying in the waiting room. You know that if someone doesn't care how you feel, it can hurt more than the health issue you're dealing with.  I also know that protecting your mental health is hard. You're already going through a lot and you have to go through even more to keep what little positive mental health you have left.  Sometimes you have to be the garbageman. And yeah, sometimes their job sucks shit. Before the appointment at the Mayo Clinic in February of this year (2024) that changed my life, I had been friends with a co-worker for years. We met at work, got to ...

Not much has changed since I wrote last. Still shaky in the mornings, bloated, feeling it under my belly button and in my pelvis. I've been trying to treat the hemorrhoids they found during my colonoscopy, and I think when I had the procedure done, they scratched me up a little bit in there. My doctor at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester said to use A & D ointment, so I've been doing that. I think it's helped a little bit, but it kind of burns too, and though my lichen is doing okay, I still feel swollen at times. I really think if I can get my hemorrhoids under control, I can handle the rest better. I know why they bother me--this bloating makes me feel heavy around my clitoris, vagina, and my butt, and between the heaviness and the hemorrhoids, I have a sensation of having to have a bowel movement that comes and goes. It's not terrible, but in the mornings I usually have to go to the bathroom once or twice. I'm pretty regular now, and I'm "done" going...

Today should be a good day. I'm not feeling too bad, the sun is shining, and it will be a slow day at work. But of course, that's not how mental health works, and I'm down, maybe not anxiety levels, but I just feel out of place today and it will be tough to explain why, mostly because there's no reason for me to feel like this.  I guess I could call it loneliness, but that doesn't make much sense because I like being alone. Maybe I'm feeling despondent because I'm still struggling with my physical issues, though I am making progress there. I know what's going on at least, which is more than what I had at the beginning of the year. It's difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I'll never feel normal again, always feeling the side effects of my hysterectomy, and the lichen sclerosis will never go away. I'm also not far from menopause, and with the stories I've heard about perimenopause, that could be effecting me too (I'll be 50 t...

I had a followup appointment at the Mayo Clinic May 28th, and I came away with some good news. The ultrasound and her physical exam didn't find any damage from my hysterectomy in 2022. Because of the funny feeling I have in my belly, specifically under my belly button, I thought for sure something had gone wrong. but all my organs are where they are supposed to be. I could have some nerve damage at the incision site, but I need to message her and ask her for more information. I kind of spaced out when she explained because I was so relieved her exam and ultrasound didn't find anything serious. Still, I'd like to be sure that what I'm feeling maybe isn't exactly harmless, but at least there's an explanation. She was concerned about the bloating and puffiness so she recommended I have a colonoscopy to rule out any GI issues. My feelings about having a colonoscopy done were complicated because I was afraid of what they would find. I suppose most preventative tests ...

I had my followup appointment at the Mayo Clinic on Tuesday, and I came away with some good news. The cream is working on my lichen sclerosis and she said my skin is looking a lot better. I can feel that it is--most of the burning is gone and I only have some swelling and bruising most days. There is tightness around my anus that has yet to fade completely, but I figure in time that too will, not go away, but lessen to the point I don't feel it much anymore.  The ultrasound showed I had a cyst on my ovary, which could be causing some of the bloating and discomfort that has been the main source of my anxiety, but my ovary pills ran out three weeks ago and she seemed surprised I was no longer on them. Maybe the "no refills" was an oversight on her part, but that's okay. She's putting me on something new that she said will work even better. I have to pay for them, but considering that so far this whole health odyssey has been "free" at least money-wise, I t...

My anxiety is worse today for some reason, and I have no idea why. I'm logged into my job and it's slow because of the holiday weekend. I'm not feeling bad--in fact, I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. But my anxiety it twisting my stomach making me feel a little nauseous, and I have that electrical current strumming through me and that only happens when I have anxiety.  Surprisingly, I am feeling better than I have in while. I don't have much bloating and fewer twinges in my belly today, though my sick stomach has sent me to the bathroom a few times this morning (not to throw up, but the other thing if you know what I mean). My nausea will go away once the panic fades, but I've noticed I don't feel good in the mornings in general, and I don't know why. Scared to face another day of feeling like crap? Maybe. I work a job where I'm tethered to a computer and time offline counts against me (as is the case with most call center jobs) and par...